The Write Stuff

It really hurts when someone you pour out your heart to, doesn’t listen or seek to understand. Probably I feel so because I feel betrayed of a trust - you trust someone with your vulnerable moments, and they instead treat it nonchalantly and brush you aside.

I know people are bound to disappoint as humans are imperfect. But that doesn’t make the heart ache less.

It’s times like this that make me want to wall myself in, guard my heart until it cannot be shattered again.

But by doing that, that makes me less human, by becoming so immune to feeling at all. Strangely reminds me of Spock - don’t feel and you don’t get hurt.

Yet is this really what life is about?

Ah the deceitful selfish heart.

Lord, please help me not ever seek to be loved as to love, to not seek to be understood as to understand. Less of me, more of You. Let You be enough for me, and all that I need, and may I desire You above everything in my life. 

I Think of You

Laura Story

When I think of sunlight piercing through the clouds

That paint a perfect sky

I think of the silver lining of Your love

And I think of You

When I think of streams that weave through desert lands

As beauty comes alive

I think of the healing fountain of Your grace in my life

In my life

And I think of You who shines with endless light

Through broken jars of clay

And I think of You redeeming every part of each day

That you’ve made

And I think of you

When I think of children laughing full of wonder

And families reconciled

I think of the joy that’s found in answered prayer

And it makes me smile

Makes me smile

And I think of You who shines with endless light

Through broken jars of clay

And I think of You redeeming every part of each day

That You’ve made

And I think of You

For redemption’s now the story of my soul

‘Cause it was You who paid the highest price

For broken jars of clay

And You still choose to use my life

For Your glory displayed

And I think of You who shines with endless light

Through broken jars of clay

And I think of You redeeming every part of each day

That You’ve made

And I think of You

I think of You

I was at a playground in Cameron Highlands just last month, and I remember being afraid when I stood atop the colourful wooden slide. My five year old playmate urged me to follow after him, and after he had gone ahead, I hesitated to do exactly that which came so naturally to me as a child - just slide on my butt with the exhilarating sensation of speed and wind in my face. Even when I did finally convince myself to (it would’ve been silly not to!), I held on to the sides the whole way and quickly stood up before fully reaching the end of the course. What a safe, boring and killjoy way to play on a slide - my five year old self would’ve lamented!

As children, we were boundless, creative, fun and fearless. What happened over the years? Has growing up really made us so conservative and calculated in our actions, to a point where we lose spontaneity and suck the joy and meaning out of life?

Spending time with children over the past six months have opened my eyes to see that there is so much wisdom when Jesus says we have to come to him like children. If only we would have the humility to continue to learn from them, and in some ways, unlearn our perspective that has been hardened and jaded through the years.

What’s worse than Sunday night blues? 

Six months without Sunday night blues!

***

It has been an amazing six months of not working. I’ve learnt new skills, such as emceeing my first (church) event and babysitting (and caught glimpses of parenthood and the perspective of children), relearned old skills (Adobe Illustrator all over again for church design work, helped paint a mural), had plenty of long lunches with mom & Sl, travelled on a cruise ship to Portugal, Morocco, Tenerife (part of the Canary Islands), Spain (Madeira, Seville and Barcelona, to be more exact), another holiday in Melbourne, bid my sister farewell as she left for studies, felt the despair and desperation of joblessness and questioned my self-worth many a time, prayed more than before with Groupie and on my own, read books indulgently, played so much Ipod games, slept so much (and enjoyed every bit of it), jogged more than ever before (personal record, 4km! Not much, but it’s a start), went for job interviews and faced rejection, had lunches with ex-colleagues who I believe will be friends for life, saw a close friend lose her baby (and realised that every child born into this world is a miracle and a blessing from God), helped mom with her Nepal mission trip, visited friends in hospital to encourage them. Learned that being a friend means being a listening ear, shoulder to cry on and heart to pray for that friend through thick and thin, and anytime, anywhere. Learnt more about youth ministry and mentoring, and attempted to mentor and listen more intentionally. Answered prayers - a job call when I needed encouragement, new friends at AYLC when I prayed so hard for them. Being able to see PwP at work - that was such a blessing for me - my heart just goes out to these children and the work. Continue to guide us in this area and help us be a blessing to others, especially those who need Your love and help every day.

I realise that God allows us to work because that’s what we’re made to do. Without it, we feel so purposeless - like we’re not productive! However, I realise that with or without my job, God loves me and values me the same. My self worth does not depend on my job status, but it does make me a better steward with the talents, skills and experience He’s given me. I’ve learnt that this period of time has tested and continues to teach me patience, and waiting on God. It’s so hard to wait - and so hard to not insist on what I think is best, but to to yield control to God. 

I’ve seen God work in miraculous ways these six months. Healing my church aunty through fourth stage peritoneal cancer, seen the power of hope in a living God through my friend who lost her first child at nine months, God’s sovereign timing and plans played out in my soon to be missionary friend being provided for through answered prayers and opened doors, God’s providence for a friend who got a job all in immaculate fashion. How God tests our faith through trials. How God moves in our cell group, moving our members to tears through their different circumstances. How God has blessed me so much with the financial ability to withstand six months of bumming, and supportive family, boyfriend and friends. How blessed I am to love the youths and be loved by them. How blessed to spend time with little ones and to be loved so unconditionally by them - that’s why You desire such faith Father. I am always still learning and may I continue to have the humility to keep learning.

I still fail in many areas - temptations and trials that continue to test and overcome me at times. Unrighteous anger, selfishness, envy, covetousness, pride, jealousy, hatred, being judgmental and calculative… just to name a few of the flaws and sin in my life. 

Father help me to continue to love you first and like a child -  wholeheartedly, unashamedly, honestly and unconditionally. Help me to listen to your gentle Spirit prompting, and to obey because I love You, no matter how hard it is.

I thank You for how You have helped me deepen my prayer life just a wee bit. I know I have a long way more, but I am so encouraged that at least, it’s a start. 

May 1st, 2013. What will the rest of the year bring?

Teach me to number my days aright that I may gain a heart of wisdom. Every day is an opportunity to develop, to learn, to cherish, to bless. Help me to walk in your ways, live a Spirit-filled, Spirit-led life. 

May I not be afraid to make mistakes, take risks and to learn (and the humility to admit I need help), the thick-skinnedness and will to say no where necessary and the wisdom to know the difference.

Some people are able to hurt you in ways that only they can and as much as I fight it, my weaknesses are exposed whenever these people make hurtful remarks. Perhaps there still are many insecurities within me that cry out to be resolved… I am all too familiar with them. But accepting them, and resolving to overcome them with Christ’s love…. that is my continual task.

Lord, help me forgive. 

O Master grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled, as to console

To be understood, as to understand

To be loved, as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of Your peace.

churchjanitor:

A heart without a mind will eventually lose faith when doubt occurs, so dive into the Word.
A mind without a heart will become cynical when pain occurs, so find time to worship, pray, and mediate on God.
A heart and a mind will remain faithful through times of doubt and trial, so ask God to help you grow both these keys to faith.

churchjanitor:

Lord,

As this year unfolds, I ask that one truth will be evident in my life: You must become greater and greater, while I become less and less. I pray that this thought of John will characterize my thoughts. I seek that this action will inform my actions. May my words echo with these words. Thank you.

Amen.

The challenge for me personally in reading Oswald’s commentary is to continually walk in God’s light— to be able to commit every area of my life to his Lordship and continually seek Him in everything, as I also read that many times, we walk in our own light— doing/living life/doing ministry according to what we think is right— instead of relying on God’s leading.

I went for a walk ytd and was reminded of this verse over and over again:

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? (Galatians 5:7)

For me, I have to search and find the things that are hampering me from running the good race… And continue to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles…” (Hebrews 12:1)

-March 1st

Never allow God to show you a truth which you do not instantly begin to live up to, applying it to your life. Always work through it, staying in its light.

-March 27th

by Lincoln Brewster

Lord I love the way You love me

And how You move me deep within

Lord I love the way You hold me

And draw me into You

Lord I love the way You bless me

And how You look into my heart

Lord I love the way You lead me

Right into Your arms

God I praise Thee

You amaze me

Take my life

And let Your light shine through

Jesus Savior friend of sinners

Fill me up

‘Cause all I really want is more of You 

***

All it took was a simple text message, “Her baby didn’t make it…” to upset my day. Heartbreaking news indeed for the first-time parents to lose their newborn, after nine agonising sleepless, anxious, exciting months.

Father, I do not understand why… but as the song Beautiful suggests, perhaps it is not our place to understand, but to accept Your mysterious plan. 

Please be with them as they grieve and mourn the loss of their little one. May Your Spirit comfort them with your peace, and fill their aching and broken hearts with love, for You know what it was like to lose your only child too.

Dumbfounded, shocked and heavyhearted to say the least.

Lord, it’s difficult to understand why. Help us to accept, and to trust in Your will.

Our days are numbered - what a sobering thought, now ringing so true and clearly in my head.

Father, Hezekiah comes to mind. 

I pray for your intervention and healing. You are our healer.

Grow our faith. Draw us closer to You.

Please hear our prayer.

Amen.

I have discovered that compared to cookbooks, cooking shows are more convincing in conveying that cooking isn’t that hard and is actually possible…

Earlier today, I spent my lazy Sunday afternoon watching two cooking shows back to back, and was pleasantly surprised and challenged to replicate some recipes sometime this week:

From Chuck Hughes of Chuck’s Day Off:

Wedge Salad with Blue Cheese Dressing and Spicy Beer Nuts

Fried Haddock Po’ Boy and Chuck’s Tartar Sauce

And from River Cottage Everyday’s Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall:

Tartiflette Toastie

Lunch doesn’t get more comforting — or greedy, frankly — than this sumptuous version of cheese on toast, which is also a great way to use up leftovers.

It’s not something you can take to the office, granted, but it is just the sort of thing I like to rustle up for lunch when I’m at home.

It’s inspired by the Savoyarde dish, tartiflette, a rich baked combination of potatoes, cheese and bacon.

Tartiflette is usually made with Reblochon but any semi-soft, washed-rind cheese works well — from Brie (not too ripe) to Irish Ardrahan — or try a semi-hard cheese, such as Cornish Yarg.

Serves 1:

• 1 tablespoon rapeseed or olive oil
• 2 bacon rashers, or a slice of cold ham, cut into small strips
• 1 cold cooked potato (baked, boiled or even roasted), thickly sliced
• 1—2 tablespoons double
• cream or crème fraîche
• 1 large, thick slice of bread
• 3—4 thickish slices (about 30g) semi-soft or semi- hard cheese, or Cheddar (at a push)
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
• A few crisp, bitter salad leaves, such as chicory, radicchio or frisée, to serve

Directions:

Heat the oil in a small frying pan over a medium heat. If you are using bacon, add it to the pan and fry for a few minutes, until cooked.

Add the potato and fry until it is heated through and starting to colour a little. If you’re using ham, add this now and stir until well heated through.

Stir in the cream or crème fraîche and allow it to bubble and reduce for a couple of minutes.

Remove from the heat and season to taste. 

Toast the bread, pile the mixture on top, then cover with the sliced cheese and whack under a hot grill. As soon as the cheese is melted and bubbling, whip out from under the grill and transfer to a plate.

Serve at once, with a few crisp, bitter leaves on the side.

And this looks interesting too! 

Garlicky Minty Mushy Pea Dip (perhaps for fish & chips, if successful!)

And here’s the interesting episode I caught today: Winter’s On The Way

Other cravings of the moment:

Cream of Mushroom soup

Lamb Stew

Mac & Cheese

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. — Colossians 3:13

Was reminded of this in morning service and it didn’t strike me until later at night, when I got upset at the thought of someone that is hard to love. Don’t point out the speck in other’s eyes before checking the log in mine, as the Bible teaches.

As I turn 28 this year, I realise that I am becoming more private as a person, with a smaller bunch of friends than ever before… those who actually want to hang out with me, that is. Am thankful for those who persevere to befriend me as I am highly anti-social these days. This is something I am working at; to socialise more and hang out more with my friends, and be less exclusive. 

I am more irritable than ever before, with more people getting on my nerves. Have to constantly remind myself that I myself probably step on others’ toes too, and that nobody is perfect. Really need the Holy Spirit’s help in this aspect, to develop this Fruit of the Spirit.

Another good devo by Oswald:

Worship

He moved from there to the mountain east of Bethel, and he pitched his tent with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; there he built an altar to the Lord and called on the name of the Lord —Genesis 12:8

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love-gift. Take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. If you hoard it for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded (see Exodus 16:20). God will never allow you to keep a spiritual blessing completely for yourself. It must be given back to Him so that He can make it a blessing to others.

Bethel is the symbol of fellowship with God; Ai is the symbol of the world. Abram “pitched his tent” between the two. The lasting value of our public service for God is measured by the depth of the intimacy of our private times of fellowship and oneness with Him. Rushing in and out of worship is wrong every time— there is always plenty of time to worship God. Days set apart for quiet can be a trap, detracting from the need to have daily quiet time with God. That is why we must “pitch our tents” where we will always have quiet times with Him, however noisy our times with the world may be. There are not three levels of spiritual life— worship, waiting, and work. Yet some of us seem to jump like spiritual frogs from worship to waiting, and from waiting to work. God’s idea is that the three should go together as one. They were always together in the life of our Lord and in perfect harmony. It is a discipline that must be developed; it will not happen overnight.

And this is a timely passage from the book of Ephesians with regard to Christian living… easy words to read, difficult to swallow, and lip biting to put into practise!

Instructions for Christian Living

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.

That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

— Ephesians 4:17-32

Today proved to be productive.

Woke up this morning with barely four hours of sleep, spent the next five hours painting murals at church, grabbed a quick soupy pan mee lunch (my favourite sorta meal, subsets of Chinese food, pan mee and soup respectively!) and off to help babysit four kids (two kindy kids & two babies). Water For Elephants, catch up with bf, FIFA watching, tumblr and fb.

Things I am grateful for:

-I have forgotten how therapeutic painting is. Every stroke of the brush, every space of white transformed by the slightest change in hue of colour, the tiring work in progress and moment of awe when you behold the end product. Painting also holds great sentimental value for me, bringing back memories of hours spent preparing for VBS and weddings with great friends. Was so blessed to be volunteering doing something I love - art!

-The exuberance of youth and the privilege of being part of their lives. Next week, one of my former students from the class of 2004 which I taught, turns 21. She was 14 when I first took on her class! God has been faithful. However, I do feel every bit the “oldie” I am becoming - truly, I am increasinly aware of the generation gap as the years go on.

- Parenting is not an easy job — not just in managing the kid, but managing the heart. Gleaned this from observing how a six year old has become less obliging and more insistent on his own ways as he grows older, contrasted with the four year old who is full of external displays of affection towards her family. How quickly children change (and grow up) and if parents don’t take the time to savour the moment, it will pass all too soon. How heartbreaking it must be to see one’s child love one less unconditionally year by year, yet this is why a parents’ love is so sacrificial! Bearing all this in mind, I do thank God for the affection and love (even though it’s only for the time being before the kids grow up and forget me) shown by the kids and the opportunity to geram babies is always welcome! And it’s always fun to converse with children about their favourite cartoon characters and school! So rewarding to teach a cutie how to write “A” :D 

- Relationships are all about give and take. Going The Distance is example of this - how much are you willing to give up for the one you love? 

- I am learning to let go of some things this year. Character weaknesses, sins, even people I love — sometimes holding them too tightly is not loving them. Thankful for the Lord opening my eyes to see what areas I need to work at with regard to becoming more Christlike. 

- Thankful for restarting my discipline of reading. Leisurely as it is, I have slacked in time management and let my favourite solo pastime wither with time. A couple of books remain halfway read (but works in progress): Mere Christianity by CS Lewis and Through Gates of Splendour by Elisabeth Elliot, the only two I can remember! Currently loving one of my Christmas gift - the autobiography of George Mueller — one of my heroes of faith. Am planning to focus more on prayer this year, and Mueller is the perfect prayer warrior. Am finding so many parallels to his life and my own, especially the struggles, and am greatly encouraged. Hope this will challenge me more, along with greater emphasis on time spent in His Word alone. Not forgetting, three new books: two on prayer and another on Bible study. Can’t wait!

- Am also inspired to try some projects as taught by the DIY fashion blog, A Pair & A Spade. This is particularly of interest at this point in time as I try to cut down on consumerism and shopping, with aims of saving money and the planet while looking awesome.

Here’s to a year of ” Let Go, Let God” and “New & Renewal”, as Kah Wan shared in Psalm 51:

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Time is short, make the most impactful of it for Christ. And a very challenging read on Jan 1 in My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers:

Let Us Keep to the Point

“… my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death” —Philippians 1:20

My Utmost for His Highest. “… my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed … .” We will all feel very much ashamed if we do not yield to Jesus the areas of our lives He has asked us to yield to Him. It’s as if Paul were saying, “My determined purpose is to be my utmost for His highest— my best for His glory.” To reach that level of determination is a matter of the will, not of debate or of reasoning. It is absolute and irrevocable surrender of the will at that point. An undue amount of thought and consideration for ourselves is what keeps us from making that decision, although we cover it up with the pretense that it is others we are considering. When we think seriously about what it will cost others if we obey the call of Jesus, we tell God He doesn’t know what our obedience will mean. Keep to the point— He does know. Shut out every other thought and keep yourself before God in this one thing only— my utmost for His highest. I am determined to be absolutely and entirely for Him and Him alone.

My Unstoppable Determination for His Holiness. “Whether it means life or death-it makes no difference!” (see Philippians 1:21). Paul was determined that nothing would stop him from doing exactly what God wanted. But before we choose to follow God’s will, a crisis must develop in our lives. This happens because we tend to be unresponsive to God’s gentler nudges. He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him and we begin to debate. He then providentially produces a crisis where we have to decide— for or against. That moment becomes a great crossroads in our lives. If a crisis has come to you on any front, surrender your will to Jesus absolutely and irrevocably.

Surrendering my will to God. This year, I hope there will be more instances of this.

I Will Trust You

Steven Curtis Chapman

I don’t even wanna breathe right now

All I wanna do is close my eyes

But I don’t wanna open them again

Until I’m standing on the other side

***

I don’t even wanna be right now

I don’t wanna think another thought

And I don’t wanna feel this pain I feel

And right now, pain is all I’ve got

***

It feels like it’s all I’ve got, but I know it’s not

No, I know You’re all I’ve got

And I will trust You, I’ll trust You

Trust You, God, I will

Even when I don’t understand, even then I will say again

You are my God, and I will trust You

***

God, I’m longing for the day to come

When this cloudy glass I’m looking through

Is shattered in a million pieces

And finally I can just see You

***

God, You know I believe it’s true

I know I will see You

But until the day I do

***

I will trust You, trust You

Trust You, God, I will

Even when I don’t understand

Even then I will say again

You are my God, and I’ll trust You

***

And with every breath I take

And for every day that breaks

I will trust You

I will trust You

And when nothing is making sense

Even then I will say again

***

God, I trust You

***

I will trust You

I know Your heart is good

I know Your love is strong

And I know Your plans for me

Are much better than my own

***

So I will trust You, trust You

I trust You, God, I do

Even when I can’t see the end

And I will trust You

I will trust You, I will

Even when I don’t understand

Even then I will say again

***

I will trust You, I will trust You, I will

I know Your heart is good,

Your love is strong,

Your plans for me are better than my own

Yeah, Your heart is good

Your love is strong

Your plans for me are better than my own

And I trust You

You are my God

And I will trust You

Sometimes I wish I could love him less, and love Him more.

Lord help me love You more than anything in this world. Please help me love him less. Help me be real. Help me not be so extreme. Help me be a good steward of my life and devote my heart and my life to You and not fill my heart with hopes that can never be fulfilled, or earthly desires.

I don’t understand so many things, but help me trust You.

As Stevie sings, spring is coming. I look forward to Spring with You, Lord.